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All Clear 🥳

The internet can be great, but remind me not to believe everything I read there. One example: When I looked up “endometrial biopsy” I learned that it was going to be the most painful thing ever, worse than childbirth, worse than wisdom tooth extraction, just all around nightmare fuel. A “barbaric” procedure, apparently.

So when I arrived at the doctors office my blood pressure was high for the first time ever. “Nervous?” the medical assistant asked. “I guess so,” I replied.

Fookin internet!

Then came a long and detailed talk with the ob/gyn in which he used a model of a uterus to explain the four possible outcomes of the biopsy.

  1. All Clear
  2. Polyps
  3. Hyperplasia (a pre-cancerous condition)
  4. Cancer

He kept holding up the plastic uterus to his lower abdomen as we talked, which was kind of hilarious. The doctor was a good explainer. He probably explains this procedure over and over, but I couldn’t tell.

And… the biopsy hurt like a sumbitch, but only for about 20 seconds. It was not in fact worse than getting my wisdom teeth out. There was nothing barbaric about it. 95% of my suffering came from contact with internet horror stories. You know those wacky, waving, inflatable tube men that dance outside car dealerships? The biopsy felt like having a sharp, tiny, arm-waving tube man dancing furiously inside my business.

But briefly.

The kind medical assistant rested her hand on my arm. I felt well cared for the whole time.

Looking back, I can say with certainty that the pre-procedure fear was way worse than the event itself. We walked home from the train station and I put my feet up. Then came the waiting, which was the least fun part.

Tonight, my healthcare app pinged new test result and I felt momentarily barfy.

Aha, I thought. I contain Schrödinger’s uterus. It is simultaneously healthy and not. What a strange sensation!

I didn’t like that one bit. So I opened the box.

No evidence of atypia, hyperplasia, or malignancy.

I’m still expecting a call from the doctor to confirm, but that sounds like an all clear to me! 🥳

All is well. What a relief!