Cheri's Hypertext Monster

02 Sep 2021

Outrage Slots

To be read in the style of an infomercial.

There’s so much in our world to be outraged about! (insert four horrible examples here) But the thing is, being upset is so exhausting. Are you tired of (insert mental health problems)? Does your (insert relationship) wish you’d stop (insert your harmful coping habits)? Well, there’s good news! Scientists * have discovered a life hack that’s so stupid it might just work. That’s right! I’m talking about Outrage Slots!

Here’s how they work: You assign yourself a maximum number of things you can be outraged about at any one time. And once your outrage slots are full, they’re full!

Now, let’s get some (wink) authentic testimonials.

Cheri: “I’m mad that Apple is backdooring my phone! And man, that Texas abortion law is a real piece of shit! Also…”

Announcer: “Hold on there, Cheri! How many outrage slots do you have?”

Cheri: “I have two.”

Announcer: “Well, then you’re outraged about two things already! How about you take some time and empty a slot out?”

Cheri: “But HOW?” (stares dumbly at camera)

Announcer: “Well, let’s pause here and BREATHE.”

Cheri: “I’m already breathing. This isn’t helpful. I want a refund!”

Announcer: (shoots wry look at camera) “Try it! Breathe slowly.”

Cheri: (reluctantly breathes slowly)

Announcer: “Good. Now you’re going to think about one thing that outrages you. Really think! Why are you outraged? Can you do anything to improve the situation? If so, go do that! If not, you might need to keep breathing for a while and let it the fuck go.

Cheri: “… And then what?”

Announcer: “Well, if you free up an outrage slot, you’re allowed to be outraged about something new. Just remember, you’re only allowed to be outraged about a maximum of two things at any one time.”

Cheri: (nodding) “Or else I’ll fall into crippling existential depression and eat an entire bag of Doritos on the couch.”

Announcer: “That’s more information than I asked for. But yes.”

Cheri: “Why two slots? Why not ten? Or zero?”

Announcer: “Ten is way too many! You’d be a wreck. And zero? That sounds great in theory, but I think we both know you’re not a Jedi Master. I mean, do you even own a lightsaber?”

Cheri: “No.”

Announcer: “Are you one of those people who don’t know how to pronounce AT-AT?”

Cheri: (offended) “There’s no reason to be an ass.”

Announcer. “Oh? Have I outraged you?”

Cheri: “No. My outrage slots are full. But I’d like you to take your weird camera and leave. I never signed a release to be in this commercial. And it’s super-creepy that you look like me. Where did you even come from?”

(camera awkwardly pans away to show a crumpled Doritos bag next to the couch)

Outrage slots! Get yours NOOOOOOWWW!

Offer not available in TX or Cupertino, CA. No actual scientists were involved.